Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Reasons Why I Hate Everyone

One of my least favorite parts about pregnancy, other than sobriety and only pooping once every third week, is all the ridiculous bullshit that I read online from other mothers or expecting mothers who are too stupid to understand the difference between fact and opinion.  (These are the same people who misuse the word literally. "I literally ran 100 miles an hour to save my son from drowning." Oh really? Literally? 100 miles per hour?  You broke the human land speed record? Grow a brain.)

Because insomnia has set in something fierce, between midnight and 1am I typically troll the What to Expect blog for mothers expecting in August 2016.  The shit I find on these blogs is pure, delightful stupidity from morons all across the lands.

For example, one woman asked the group something along the lines of, "My chest hurts from my sternum to my belly button.  It feels like stabbing pains.  Is this heartburn or could I be having a heart attack?"  In my head, my thoughts go long these lines: "jesus effing christ you goddamn moron.  shall we just wait and see?  CALL YOUR DOCTOR OR GO TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM!" Of course, like I said above, I only like to troll the blogs and I don't like to actually participate in any of the discussion, so if this lady died there is definitely some blood on my hands. For whatever reason I just didn't care to make her aware of her below average IQ and decision making capabilities.  I hope she's okay.

Confession:  I did participate on the blog once, and it was to tell some ignorant asshole below the Mason Dixon line that no, she did not need to move her registry from Target to Walmart because she didn't want her grandma to possibly run into a transgender person in the restroom. (She probably calls her maw maw or something else totally fucking ridiculous.) Society blows my little mind.

And while we are on this topic, do any of the phobics out there boycotting Target think that they have an increased chance of sharing a restroom with someone who is transgender simply because Target now has a policy about it?  No.  Don't be fucking stupid, although I fear it is too late for that.  Having a policy about transgender rights DOES NOT 1. make more people transgender, 2. make transgender individuals pedophiles or 3. really change anything that was already previously happening.  It's just an articulated policy, whereas before it was not.  Let me tell you a little story about how Attorney Suzie actually had the gross misfortune of being assigned to litigate a case against a transgender woman.  The whole week of trial, guess what happened?  Yup.  I peed next to her in the bathroom at the courthouse.  Penis and all.  Guess what didn't happen? Rape. Or talking to her in general because it is super fucking awkward peeing next to somebody you are suing.  Also, I lost that case.

Another favorite topic is whether preggos are "allowed" to have a glass of wine every now and again.  Here are my thoughts on the matter.  Very few physicians are going to take a bright line position that indulging in the occasional glass of wine is okay because it is unclear exactly how much booze it takes to make your kid sick.  But to the C You Next Tuesday on this blog that said something along the lines of "Wine is poison.  Literally poison.  Why would you give your baby poison?"  I say to you: learn the meaning of the word literally, asshole.  Wine is not "literally" poison.  It is LITERALLY wine.  If it was poison, every country in the history of the fucking world would not allow its citizens to consume it.  Wine is wine.  Poison is poison. Wine is sold as "fit for human consumption" and poison is not. Is this starting to make sense to anyone?

You would call me a dipshit if I suggested to you that McDonald's is not food.  It certainly is food.  Arguably poisonous food, but food nonetheless.  See what I did there?  I just paralleled poisonous food that pregnant women eat all.the.time. to an (arguably) poisonous beverage that Western society has shunned and makes women feel guilty for the occasional indulgence.  Don't get me wrong, if you get drunk during your pregnancy, you're a piece of shit.  Similarly, if you ate exclusively fast food during your pregnancy, I would also believe you are unfit to raise a child.

Not that I think vegans have anything real going for them, but should we ask the pickiest / choosiest eaters on the planet if they'd rather have a McDouble with fries and a milkshake or a glass of wine on any given day, I bet the wine wins 10 times out of 10.

My point is, if you don't want to have a glass of wine during your pregnancy, don't.  If you want to have a glass or two every now and again, have at it.  It's not like we are all going to raise our kids the same way.  This shit doesn't come with a handbook.  This is also not communism.  So have a Big Mac or a glass of wine if you want one.  It's the same freaking thing.  What my opinion is here (note, not factually based at all) is that you probably shouldn't have McDonald's every day, nor should you have wine all the time.  But practicing moderation never killed anyone, so get off my nuts about it.

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