72 hours ago (ish) Marlowe woke up at 9:30 p.m. screaming. I assumed she was not experiencing an exorcism or dreaming about walking down that really creepy hallway in The Shining, but that's basically what it sounded like. So I went in there to see what was up.
On a side note, another linguistic issue I'd like to bring to everyone's attention is the following: writing "a.m." or "p.m." 100% NEGATES the need to then specify "in the morning" or "in the evening".
So, Jeff and I were both in her room troubleshooting the baby issue, which was easily solved by simply touching her. She was a furnace. Quick forehead thermometer temp check confirmed a fever of 103. I assigned the responsibility of Tylenol, milk and cuddles to Jeff and hoped it worked out for him. He took her to bed with him and I went back to my super important hobbies of social media, texting and watching TV.
Jeff and I typically do not let her sleep in bed with us. But, there are exceptions to every rule and it turns out that her first ear infection is one of them. The things I like about having her in bed with us are the following: She's cute and she smells like baby. The things that I don't like about having her in bed with us: She likes to be inside of my armpit, and it tickles. She likes to twirl my hair, and it's fucking annoying. She thrashes around so much its like trying to cuddle a deer with antlers. She peed on me. And, although I am not constantly in her room checking on her, which saves me the trips, I worry about smothering her.
By 3:30 a.m. in the morning she was screaming again. I took mercy on Jeff and took her out to the living room, where we took a snooze on the couch together until I woke up to her urinating all over me. Delightful.
I understand that everyone thinks their child has an amazing disposition. My opinion is that your child does not have an amazing disposition. Except mine actually DOES. So, despite every molecule in my body urging me to make this Ms. Joan's problem, I kept her home because something wasn't right. I expertly poked my finger in her mouth and discovered a second tooth. Problemo fucking solved, guys! I had an afternoon mediation that I couldn't (and did want to) postpone, so Jeff came home from work. Here is where I began being an absolute asshole to everyone.
Enter mediation.
Counsel for Defendants: I have evidence that your client paid her witness to give an untrue statement.
Suzie: Is that supposed to be scary? It isn't. (It is.)
CFD: No. It's evidence I'm going to present at trial.
Suzie: Is this going to be a long story?
Enter home.
Jeff: Hi! How was the mediation?
Suz: Fine. Settled.
Jeff: Great! Bunny has no temp! We have been playing! She just ate some bananas and some puffys!
Suz: OK.
Jeff: Do you want to take a nap?
Suz: Are you STILL FUCKING TALKING?
That night, I was talking to my mom and mentioned the fever and that she had cut her ear rubbing it (because I never cut her fingernails and she missed manicure Monday at Ms. Joan's house). My mom pleasantly suggested that I was a fucking dipshit and my kid likely has an ear infection.
The next morning.
Jeff: Good Morning Beautiful! (He texts me this exact same thing every morning. Usually I'm not a total bitch and write back Good Morning Handsome!)
[Instead....]
Suz: How many fucking times should I ask you to move the stroller to my car before you actually do it. (Note: since the stroller has been in his car, neither of my legs have been broken and I otherwise have been able to complete this three second task unassisted.)
Jeff: I'm sorry. Why do you need the stroller?
[time elapses by hours]
Suz: I think Marlowe has an ear infection. Thank God I'm looking out for her best interests and using my brain about this situation. (Actual diagnostic cred: my mom and the doctor.)
[Time Elapses]
Jeff: How is everything?
Suzie: I'm sweating from hauling our baby all over God's green Earth because I have no stroller. (We went to the doctor and back. I parked directly outside of the front door of the office.)
Jeff: I mean, what did the doctor say?
Suzie: That she was surprised I didn't have a stroller. (That was NOT what the doctor said. The doctor said she has an ear infection.)
Later that day:
Marlowe: [crying]
Marlowe: [crying]
Marlowe: [crying]
Suzie: SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!
Later that day:
Jeff: All she wants to eat are Cheez Its. (I give her two every day as her after school snack. Vinnie and I proceed to eat 300 each.)
Suz: OK.
Jeff: That isn't a great dinner.
Suz: Feed. Her. The. Mother. Fucking. Cheez. Its.
The next day:
Client [on the phone]: I sent you an email, did you get it?
Suzie: Yep. It's pretty solid technology. You don't have to call every time you email me.
Client: Oh okay, because you never responded.
Suzie: ...........
Client: ..........
Other topics Jeff and I have argued about, my opinion and the outcome:
1. Whether after spitting up on herself, she needed new jams. My opinion: Yes. Jeff's opinion: Amount of vomit minimal - she'll survive. Outcome: Jeff puts her in new jams.
2. Why Marlowe got kisses when Jeff came home from work and why I did not get any kisses. My opinion: Jeff is a thoughtless asshole. Jeff's opinion: he was distracted by the baby and her first ear infection, telling me about her prescription that I made him pick up (did you guys know I didn't have her stroller that day?) and unpacking the groceries and his work stuff. Outcome: world's lamest kiss. Can you blame him? God I am such an asshole.
3. Whether Marlowe could have a chocolate munchkin to ease her troubles. My opinion: Dr. Oh said she can eat anything that we do, with the exception of cow's milk and honey, and given that I had eaten 4 of them already Marlowe was getting one, too. Jeff's opinion: donut hole unnecessary. The outcome:
Anyway, we are on day 2 of drugs and she is rebounding nicely. I'm exhausted. I have learned that I am still a selfish prick and hate to be inconvenienced, even by an adorable 9 month old with an ear ache. I suck. I get it. But fuuuuuuuuck. Sick babies suck.
Here are some pictures of her trying to sleep and recover, despite me totally screwing her and chalking her issues up to teething for 2 days. Sorry baby bunny.
